Traveling Chimp

This morning I saw a perfect example of why the TSA’s new security line organization system doesn’t work. As I was approaching the checkpoint at PHL I watched a young woman approach ahead of me carrying two mildly organized bags and a confused look on her face. She slowed almost to a  thoughtful pause in front of the rows of cattle chutes and glanced once or twice at her ticket. Propelled more by the general direction of her momentum than any deliberate decision, she made her way into the Expert Traveler line. Once there she committed the standard litany of delay-inducing tricks that proved she was anything but. The TSA’s system is vague and unenforceable, with the exception of the Families line, which is as close as they come to a good idea. Unfortunately, it looks like we’re stuck with it for now…

It started out so positive. The hope of a new beginning, a fresh start. When the Weather Channel says your first day on the road of this young year would be punctuated with “abundant sunshine” how could the world not be a happy place?

Then you get to the airport…

The brain-trust that is Philly International has, in their infinite wisdom, reconfigured the security check at the B-terminal. Gone is the well defined “first class and dividend preferred” entrance, replaced instead by the TSA’s new, wonderfully ambiguous, “Expert Traveler” label. Here’s a  few words of advice to the TSA, every jackass with rolling luggage thinks they’re an expert traveler. Anyway, to add to the uncertainty, PHL has moved said entrance about 10 feet over…to the precise location the general entrance formerly was.  So now every aforementioned jackass, AND everyone else who doesn’t know any better, heads right into that line.

Fear not, however, for manning the line is a crack shot airport employee, dutifully assigned to inform everyone that the line is specifically for first class and preferred travelers. That is, when he hasn’t wandered off for a few minutes, or isn’t distracted by his riveting conversations with his fellow employees.

So take note that the fast lane at terminal-B is, for the time being, a little less “fast”!

And while I’m lathered up, a polite request to airline employees who’s position afords them the right to cut into the security line ahead of others. A quick acknowledgement or remotely curteous request to do so would go oh so far in endearing you to the travelers in whos service you’re supposed to be employed. And when you do so it would be nice if you didn’t take twice as long as everyone else to get your belongings out and onto the belt. One USAir attendant this morning was wonderfully kind in doing just that this morning. Her co-worker a few minutes later unfortunately was not so inclined.

Dear God it’s going to be a long year…

Now really my most recent travel entertainer was very engaging. I’ll withhold titles to protect the clueless, but her name means “graceful breath of God”, as I came to learn from her well-projective narrative. Lovely really. Who knew God’s breath was so long winded though. What did we also learn about this 19 year old South Jersey gem? She loves French Bistros, wine bars (her Italian heritage allows her to pass for much older), and ex-boyfriends (I inferred that last one based on her repeated mentioning of such).

Alas, the fun had to come to an end eventually. Much like an infant the eventual movement of the plane put our heroine right to sleep, and I resigned to getting a better pair of headphones.

You can’t blame her I guess. She was too young to know any better. I cringed as she  sat in the row in front of me recalling her “travel nightmares”. As her equally ditzy row-mate egged her on I was tempted to reach  over the seats and bonk their heads together, but the hollow gong sound might have alarmed the other passengers. Thankfully, I do know better, but I’ve remained silent long enough. You can’t make this stuff up, so we might as well get a good laugh out of it.

Welcome to the cathartic ramblings of one business traveler, the frazzled story of a man in a monkey-suit. Hope you enjoy